I was terribly busy with work in the last week, so didn’t pay too much attention to the whole IVF thing. I am on day 15 with the injections now had no symptoms or side effects and felt quite good and optimistic about things. I almost felt guilty for not paying enough attention to the IVF journey.
Yesterday, things started to kick into place, or out of place? I started the day by surfing the internet, as you do, and stumbled over a photo charity that I was not prepared for at all. It is basically a project for remembrance photography for families that suffer the loss of a baby. If you are pregnant, are currently going through IVF or a loss, I suggest you NOT to look at the site, it is very emotional. Well, I didn’t have that warning and bang I got sucked right into it. Half an hour of crying.
I went to see my therapist today after a 3 week break over the holidays. We are working through an eight week course of Mindful Meditation that has been very helpful in staying calm and recognising certain patterns.
She always asks the right questions and her observations about how I phrase certain things are spot on. There was a lot of crying.
I am not sure if the crying is me or the hormones or both.
It’s so confusing. What I mostly discovered is how scared I am of failure. What if this doesn’t work. I know we’ll try again, but still. I am trying to be very controlling and to prepare for the worst and the best in equal measures but you can’t. As my therapist said, whatever happens, you should allow yourself to be human and give yourself time adjust to the new situation. That’s the advice I’d give to a friend too, however it’s is really difficult to speak to yourself as you would to a friend. It’s so much easier to be compassionate and understanding towards others, much harder to be compassionate about yourself. But I am trying.
In the evenings we were about to do the injection, when I noticed that almost all of the 13 previous injection sites suddenly looked like little insect bites. Until now they were barely visible, but something has changed and now it looks like a mini rash. Of course I freaked out. But according to the interweb, it’s normal and just a reaction over time to the meds. I wish the nurse had prepared me for that one. I guess my tummy had enough, so we are trying to switch to leg injections and see how that goes.
The nightsweats or hot flushes have also kicked in now. I woke up and was quite toasty warm, a bit too toasty. But luckily it’s freezing at the moment, so that’s quite convenient and not too annoying. So here we are, not quite as relaxed about the whole thing anymore. I feel tense about the next few weeks. It’s really difficult to plan any kind of work commitments, as I just don’t know when and what is going to happen.
Sorry for the long rant. If you managed to read till the end, thank you friend!